Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date any man, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want completely … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
